Is Your Family Healthy or Dysfunctional? Here Is How to Tell and What to Do About It


In the hectic routine of work, Family, and household obligations, a child running late for school can lead to a shouting match, a sink full of dirty dishes can turn into criticism and a forgotten errand can lead to name calling. If these moments become a pattern, a home that is supposed to be a safe haven can feel like a battleground.

“A safe, supportive and nurturing home is comprised of mutual respect, consideration for others, communication free of fear, and emotional security,” said Dr. Carmen Leggett, an Army Family Advocacy Program Specialist.

Is that what your home feels like?

“We want people to have those relationships where you can have disagreements. … Two people coming together from two very different backgrounds should absolutely be having disagreements—but how do you have them, and can you do that safely and speak freely?” said Katie Ray-Jones, National Domestic Violence Hotline Chief Executive Officer. “That’s what makes that (relationship) healthy, unhealthy or abusive.”

Domestic abuse is not only physical. It also consists of emotional and verbal abuse and control. Verbal abuse can include criticizing, discounting, ridiculing, yelling, and joking at the expense of others, including your spouse and kids, said Leggett. Emotional abuse includes manipulating, pressuring, and gaslighting—lying about something you did or said to make the other person “doubt their own memories or perceptions.”

Emotional abuse can also take the form of “stonewalling”—shutting down to avoid discussing a partner’s legitimate concerns—or giving a partner the silent treatment leaving them feeling “confused, rejected and defeated,” Leggett said.

In an emotionally abusive relationship, one partner may believe their own feelings, wants and needs take priority over the feelings, wants, and needs of their significant other. They will try to tell their partner what to do—telling them who they can be friends with on social media, demanding their social media passwords, or telling them what they are allowed to wear. When their significant other doesn’t follow their rules, they may get angry.

Some military Families may be especially vulnerable to abusive control—a Soldier or spouse can find themselves isolated from their Family and support networks when stationed in a new place. Spouses can also be vulnerable to financial abuse and control if they depend on the service member being the sole breadwinner, as constant PCS moves may mean the spouse is unemployed or underemployed.

“These behaviors are all about exerting power over another person,” said Leggett. And they can create “a dynamic of fear, dependency and diminished self-worth,” she said. “Individuals may use abuse to feel powerful and seek control over others in order to manage their own fears and shortcomings.”

“People who grew up in homes with constant criticism, name calling or yelling, may think these are normal and acceptable behaviors,” Leggett said. But verbal and emotional abuse can cause life-long psychological damage not only to the victims, but also to children who witness it. It can lead to anxiety, behavioral problems and difficulty forming loving, supportive and lasting relationships.

“Modeling healthy relationships is really important for our kids to see,” said Ray-Jones. One in four women and one in seven men will experience severe physical violence, and one in three teens are experiencing relationship abuse, she said.

“That is higher rates than adults. So, we need to reverse that statistic by ensuring that kids are living at home where they are witnessing healthy relationships as well—I think that is where we can do our best work,” Ray-Jones said.

Most people want healthy relationships. They want to make their significant other, spouse or kids happy. For those who find themselves ensnared in a verbally and emotionally abusive pattern, it can be hard to break the cycle on their own. However, there are many no-cost resources available to help.

“Self-awareness is key in identifying and correcting these behaviors,” said Leggett. The Family Advocacy Program offers individual counseling, education on healthy relationships, group therapy, and workshops focused on anger management, communication skills and other life skills training.

“Confidentiality is prioritized, ensuring your privacy while you work on improving your behavior,” Leggett said. Only if the person is a danger to themselves or others will command be notified. Access to these services is easy and offered at no cost to beneficiaries. Visit
www.armyresilience.army.mil/FAP/index.html to learn more.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline offers confidential crisis intervention services, safety planning and education, 24/7/365, for victims of domestic abuse and can also help those who are concerned about their own behavior.

“We are anonymous and confidential, about 5% of our contacts who reach out to us are identified as the person who may be causing harm,” said Ray-Jones. “We don’t know who you are—you can talk to an advocate and say ‘hey, I’m doing this thing with my partner, should I be concerned about this or not?’ and it’s a great place to check things out privately—whether that’s through a phone call or chat or texting—it can be a really safe place to do that without judgement.”

Military OneSource also offers non-medical counseling services to Soldiers and Families, providing a confidential way to get help outside the Army chain of command at no cost. Visit www.militaryonesource.mil/benefits/confidential-non-medical-counseling for more information. Non-medical counseling is also offered through the Military and Family Life Counseling Program, visit www.militaryonesource.mil/benefits/military-family-life-counseling-program.

Recently, DOD developed two awareness campaigns, the “What’s Inside Matters” awareness campaign, which focuses on connecting people experiencing domestic abuse with assistance, and the “Pause” campaign which helps people recognize and put a stop to potentially abusive behavior in themselves. The campaigns offer multiple resources at www.militaryonesource.mil/Pause and www.militaryonesource.mil/Inside.

“Everybody deserves to be treated with dignity and respect—and if you have anything other than that, please pick up the phone, enter the chat, visit our website to get more information. Because domestic violence is completely preventable, and whether you are the person on the receiving end or you are the person choosing to cause the harm, help is available,” Ray-Jones said.

If you are experiencing domestic abuse, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or via their website or chat at www.thehotline.org, or contact the Family Advocacy Program at your installation using the Military OneSource locator at www.militaryonesource.mil.

By Antonieta Rico, Directorate of Prevention, Resilience and Readiness