The holidays can be rough on relationships. For some couples, seasonal stressors—such as travel, a permanent change of station, tight finances, parties, hosting duties or getting along with in-laws or other extended Family members—can feel overwhelming.

“This stress can build up like a pressure cooker, intensifying preexisting cracks in a relationship as well as increasing feelings of frustration or irritability—and our closest relationship often bears the brunt of that stress,” said Janique Parnell, a licensed clinical social worker who works for the Family Advocacy Program at the U.S. Army’s Directorate of Prevention, Resilience and Readiness.

During the holidays, couples may try to keep it together for the sake of Family, but after the holidays, the cracks in their relationship might begin to widen.

“Once the festivities end and elevated feelings associated with holiday cheer begin to return to normal, the same areas of dissatisfaction or stress return,” Parnell said.

If you’re noticing strain in your relationship after the holidays, it’s important to gauge the health of your bond with your spouse or partner. Parnell said that although all relationships face challenges from time to time, there are some warning signs that may signal your relationship is in trouble and you need to take steps to repair it. Here are some questions you can ask yourself:

• Connection: Do you feel like your partner gets you and appreciates you, or does your relationship lack affection and you feel lonely even when you’re together?
• Communication: Do you feel like your partner listens to you, or are your conversations often defensive, superficial or you have the same arguments over and over with no resolution?
• Trust: Do you and your partner have each other’s back, or do you feel unsupported or like you’re walking on eggshells around your partner?

Reflecting on these questions can help you figure out areas where you can strengthen your relationship. Below, Parnell provides a few actions you can take.

Ways to Repair Your Connection With Your Partner

• Have quality time: Spend some fun time together without distractions. It doesn’t have to be elaborate; it can be a few minutes over coffee sharing something that made you laugh.
• Be vulnerable: It might be scary, but open up and share your fears, insecurities and true self. It gives your partner the opportunity to truly understand and support you and deepens your bond.
• Reflect on the good: Remember what you like about your partner, what brought you together and how your partner has given you joy. Share your reflections with your partner.

Tips to Improve Communication in Your Relationship

• Tackle difficult subjects: Set aside a specific time without distractions to create a safe, nonjudgmental space to discuss important issues. Work as a team to reach a solution instead of trying to “win” the argument.
• Listen: Pay attention to the needs your partner is expressing, rather than being distracted by thinking about how you’ll respond.
• Use “I” statements: Share concerns without blaming. For example, say, “I feel hurt when (insert behavior) occurs,” instead of saying, “You always do (insert behavior) just to make me mad!”

How to (Re)Build Trust With Your Partner

• Validate: Listen to your partner’s feelings, strive to understand their perspective and validate their experience, even when you don’t agree.
• Take responsibility: Apologize for the specific hurt that was caused without being defensive, answer your partner’s questions and be transparent.
• Commit to changing: Over time, being consistent in your behavior and ensuring your actions match your words can be instrumental in rebuilding trust.

FAP Resources

The Family Advocacy Program has a network of “vast resources for relationship support and skills building available to Families experiencing a variety of life stressors,” said Parnell. She said it’s a common misconception that FAP is only for crisis situations or domestic abuse. The program also provides free resources to strengthen relationships (whether married or dating) and Families. Some of those resources include:

• Workshops: Couples Communication Skills, Scream-Free Marriage, Conflict Resolution, Relationship Enrichment, Six Building Blocks of a Healthy Marriage and more.
• Counseling: Marriage and couples counseling and relationship support.
• Parenting education: Courses on Co-Parenting, Blended Families, Mindfulness Parenting and Scream-Free Parenting, as well as the New Parent Support Program, which assists Families with young children or who are expecting, including classes such as Fatherhood 101.

To access these resources and many others, contact the Family Advocacy Program at your local installation. FAP program specialists can walk you through which workshops are available at your location. You can also reach out to Military OneSource, which provides referrals, as well as free relationship coaching, relationship checkups and other services for couples. Visit the website to find out more: www.militaryonesource.mil.

If you are in a crisis situation, contact a Domestic Abuse Victim Advocate. DAVAs provide 24/7 crisis intervention, safety planning and support. To find your nearest DAVA, visit www.militaryonesource.mil/resources/tools/domestic-abuse-victim-advocate-locator. You can also call your installation’s 24/7 Domestic Violence Hotline or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or text “START” to 88788.

By Antonieta Rico, Directorate of Prevention, Resilience and Readiness